


scars upon their hearts

by calarinanis



Category: I Medici | Medici: Masters of Florence (TV)
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Miscarriage, Pre-Canon, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28072179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calarinanis/pseuds/calarinanis
Summary: Trying for a child breaks Contessina and Cosimo's hearts twice over as they lose their first two children before they are blessed with Piero although they will never forget their pain.
Relationships: Contessina de' Bardi/Cosimo di Giovanni de' Medici
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	scars upon their hearts

The first time her womb quickens the family runs rampant with excitement that a new Medici heir will take his place in the world just like his father and grandfather. Her face grows rounder, her dresses grow tighter and there is a serene glow upon her face or so Lorenzo says with an expression full of mirth. Her mother-in-law begins to spoil her: arranging for the finest food and wine to be served to her at dinner before everyone else, gifting her jewellery until her neck is laden with gold and fussing over at every moment. There is a new smile on Cosimo’s face, a new tenderness in his words towards Contessina and the ice in their relationship begins to thaw. Happiness is her new state of being. She takes joy in caressing her stomach with pleasure, whispering to her child in a sweetened tone and taking every care possible. Contessina makes it to three months and the world begins to know of her cherished secret. Advice is offered by old ladies who crow about their own grandchildren. Names are brandished at every angle, a promise extorted to use them for her son. No-one talks of the possibility it might be a daughter though Contessina’s heart dares to hope. A son would bring her closer to Cosimo, would bring her pride in his actions and would cement her as an important figure within the Medici family. But, a daughter would bring the promise of love and a sacred bond with her mother and someone who will be wholly hers, not moulded into the Medici ways as she expects will be the case with a son.

Then comes the pain in her abdomen, several knives stabbing without mercy, and the gush of blood that clings to her thighs. Screams echo around the household, Cosimo is fetched and Contessina cannot breathe.

_“We will have another, Contessina,” Cosimo says with a hand on her shoulder. “I promise.”_

She bites back the words that threaten to erupt out of her with burning rage.

_I wanted this child, Cosimo. She was going to be my daughter. Bianca._

Instead, she takes his hand and nods. It’s all she can do at present with the pain breaking every part of her mind into useless shards. She sees a moistness in his indigo eyes and reminds herself that it is their loss. It was not hers alone. Though, a quiet creeping voices says, had she lived she would have been mine. Contessina knows in her mind that she had no guarantee of a daughter, that the baby will be buried without knowing the truth but her heart tells a story of a daughter wrenched away from her. Her throat is raw and she realises that she had been one of the screaming voices. It’s as if she unleashed her anguish to the world and still she finds it lacking. Cosimo speaks in a calming voice, one that he might use in front of the Priori or when negotiating a deal, and Contessina cries. She wants more from him. Wants him to show some sign of grief. Wants to know that she is not alone in her mourning. From the edge of her vision, she sees her mother-in-law standing at the door with arms crossed and a hint of disappointment in her expression. She feels Cosimo’s warm palm against hers as he squeezes her hand with a tenderness. Looking at him, she sees the hidden signs of grief and realises that she had been selfish. How could he mourn when she was broken?

—

No fuss is made of her second pregnancy. She and Cosimo do not dare speak the words to their family until there is some certainty that this time will be different. Contessina carries on with her duties with a spine of steel. She hides behind billowy, loose gowns until the secret shows itself in her plump cheeks. It is Lorenzo who guesses first, a surprise given her mother-in-law’s sharp eyes and they are forced into the truth. Even still, Cosimo insists that no-one outside the family is to be told. That they are to carry on as if everything was normal. The loss of their first child had left its mark upon both their hearts and it had been worsened by the public acknowledgement. The old ladies who had offered their advice now reassured her that she was young and would have more children. That it was normal to lose a child. Contessina wondered how could it ever be normal, how she would ever be normal again. This time her every step was walked with caution, her movements smooth so as not to jolt the child within her womb and she ate nothing too rich or cooked with spices. Suffering through bland food would be nothing when compared to the joy of a babe in her arms. Cosimo feels the same, she knows, though he does not speak of his sorrows. Instead, he ensures that Contessina is not alone for the burden is not hers alone. They do not speak of the child growing in her womb beyond an assurance that all is going well because they do not want to cast shadows over it before its born. It is superstitious, she knows, and perhaps a touch of heresy but they are firm.

A pain starts in her stomach and she braces herself for the stabbing to begin except this time is different. Water floods out of her womb, contractions start and she realises that she is about to give birth. She shouts for Cosimo who forces his way to her side despite his mother’s protests.

_“A son. We have a son,” says Cosimo with wonder commanding his eyes._

She looks on with delight as Cosimo cradles the child in his arms.

_Her son was beautiful like his father with the same bright shade of blue for eyes and curls atop his head._

Three days later, Damiano lies unmoving in his crib and this time she hears a sound of pain burst from Cosimo’s mouth as she looks on with disbelief roaring within her heart. He cannot be dead. She does not allow the thought credence until Cosimo sinks to his knees with Damiano in his arms as he cries. Contessina follows suit, her own legs unable to bear the weight of this tragedy and they remain huddled around the once breathing body of their son. Sweet Damiano, named for the tragic death of Cosimo’s brother and now joining him in Heaven. It is a bitter loss, a mockery of all she endured to birth this beloved child and of the child that they had already lost. How could God be so cruel? She sees the anguish in Cosimo’s eyes, the tight set of his jaw and the way he grips onto their son as if he cannot be parted. This is a loss he will not be able to bear, she knows that within her heart as sure as she knows that the sky is blue. He had lost his precious brother and found him in his son and now they were both lost to him. Contessina takes his hand and holds it tight, pulling him into an embrace until they are both sobbing against each other without realising that the whole household is gathered to watch them grieve. Her mother-in-law has tears this time, her father-in-law cannot bear to look and Lorenzo is silent as he takes the babe with gentle hands out of his brother’s feverish grip.

—

She does not shy away from her third pregnancy. The jubilance of her first can never be recaptured but nor did her silence make a difference in her second pregnancy. Contessina is therefore resolved to treasure every moment of this one whatever the outcome. They talk about the babe in her womb this time, her and Cosimo, with gratitude for the chance again to have another child although they both occasionally slip into sadness. They tell the family just as they did the first time because they deserve to share in the happiness of this experience. Her father-in-law offers a wide smile, determined that this time will be different, and her mother-in-law clasps her to her bosom with warmth. Lorenzo assures them that this time he will have a nephew or niece with whom he can play. There is careful optimism in all of their hearts as Contessina’s pregnancy progresses through the months. Her mother-in-law insists on cooking all of her food by hand to ensure that it is suitable for Contessina and her father-in-law sends Cosimo home from work early everyday so that he is able to care for her. And he does so with a love that she’s never seen from him before. She expresses a mere craving and Cosimo brings it the very next moment, his calloused hands feeding her everything from exotic fruit to Florentine sweets with tentative movements as if he’s not sure whether he’s allowed. He is, she tells him. She wants him to fulfil all of his wishes this time: to talk aloud of their child with hope in his heart, to be present for every moment even those that are less than edifying and to share this experience with her in every way.

At full term, she feels the familiar pangs of birthing pains and lowers herself to the floor with experienced limbs as the maids flurry into action to fetch Cosimo. The labour is long and arduous and there is a moment when she thought she might slip away.

_“Look, my love. See his tiny hands reach out for you,” Cosimo says as she holds her son and he holds her._

They stand together with smiles outstretched on their faces, one family, surrounded by the babe’s delighting grandparents and happy uncle.

_This time will be different, I can feel it._

A year later, they celebrate Piero’s first nameday in front of Florence’s finest families despite Contessina’s protests that a simple celebration would have sufficed. Cosimo is determined that no expense be spared for their son, their darling son who looks the perfect mix of Cosimo and Contessina. They had chosen his name with care to avoid all family names so that he would be unique amongst their family and to have a meaning that would bind him to the Earth so that he might live a fruitful life. It was also blessed, being the name of St. Peter, and so seemed perfect for the child who slept in his father’s arms at night. Florence had cheered upon the announcement of a Medici son and they had been inundated with gifts aplenty from the great, noble families of the city who seemed to share in their happiness. Her father-in-law had taken to sitting him on his knee whilst they worked, her mother-in-law feeding him until he was plump in the face and Lorenzo had taught him several words which ought not to be spoken. It brought a smile to her face. At last their family was complete. It helped to heal the wounds left by the losses of their first two children but they would remain as scars upon their hearts for the rest of their life. She felt Cosimo’s hand in hers as she wiped away a tear from her eye and they stood together looking at the handsome boy they had been blessed with at last.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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